Week 3, the blog changes tone.

Reader, you are owly in your pursuit of the voles of knowledge herein. Bloody delicious!!!

Wash your hands, potential host for whatever virus! Or stab yourself in the eye.

Hey, stabbing myself in the eye reminds me of week 3 of my 8 fantasy leagues. If you're paying attention, (and if you're reading this, you are) you're aware that there are a huge number of injuries and malperformers clogging rosters thus far this season. Cole Hamels, Matt Holliday, David Wright, Jose Reyes, Josh Hamilton, Lance Berkman, Prince Fielder, Josh Beckett, Daisuke Matsuzaka and many others are KILLING US. Sorry, you have to stick with these guys. The day you bench them, they'll go off, I promise. Last year, C.C. Sabathia's ERA did not dip under 7.00 last year until May 9th. And he ended up with an ERA of 2.70 for the entire year. Sure, being traded from the AL to the NL Central didn't hurt, but he was nigh untouchable from then on. Moral of the story? Stick with these bums, take the hit early, because you'll clean HOUSE from here on.

Stupid World Baseball Classic.

However, you may know some people in your league with particularly panicky personalities who might be willing to deal one of these uber stars for someone who is OVERperforming...ergo, your Yadier Molina's, Adam Laroche's, Zack Grienke's, and so on. I'm sure you're not getting Cole Hamels for Yadier Molina, but you could put a package together if you're really into messing with people and don't have the focus or malevolence to write the conficker virus (up yours, whoever that is).

Overall record in my leagues thus far, W-L wise, is 12-12. This blog may take on a 'mediocre fantasy performer's lament' vibe before too long, but I'll remain optimistic that the above types will start to rake soon (a few of them are notoriously slow starters), and I'll ride a mad streak through May and be very well set up by the all-star break. Now go stone a teabagger. Kidding.

Yankees-related discussion:

YOU SUCK! AND YOU'RE PAYING MORE THAN ANYONE TO DO SO! AGAIN!!!!!

Just heard that one of the people who transferred the Swine Flu virus down in Mexico was a census taker, going door-to-door. What a smart little thing a virus is.

Disaster! Week 2! Hippie New Year, by the way

Well, Mozart and Hendrix died young, and I lost all of my important (money) leagues this week. Ugh-you never like that. Typically, you'll win some and lose some, but this week I didn't win ANY. I'm writing because it happens. And you might want to blow it up, trade everyone for new people, make a splash or do something because your spleen hurts and you can't sleep. Here's what I recommend.

1. Stop watching the numbers. They climb higher when you're not watching, I swear. Just give yourself a day (after you set your lineups).

2. Create some reasonable excuses for your team's giant turd burger. 'The Cardinals were rained out yesterday, if Ludwick, Molina, and Duncan all went 3-5 with HR's, I'd have evened the score'...which dovetails nicely with 'They'll have to play two sometime soon, and I'll have a dozen more AB's to look forward to then'. See? Hooray!

3. You ARE allowed to make a move or two. You can't wait until week 10 to make a change. For instance, I had no idea that Dexter Fowler, Seth Smith and Ian Stewart would be in the mix in the OF for the Rox. Apparently, neither did Spilly, who has struck out an uncharacteristic 83 times in just 29 AB's this year. It appears that his time as a part-timer has made him slow on the draw, and he needs something to chaw. But all he's getting is junk, and no cheese. So his hankerings go unquenched. Have I adequately referenced some shared childhood experience of ours? Maybe watching the rookie beeotches hit the balls with their bats will help him to do the same. I still predict good things for the man, but there are too many Blue Jays on the waiver wire to justify carrying a fifth outfielder who isn't producing. Which leads me to the point of this entry-

Pay attention and be patient. You don't need to read all the box scores for this one (although I do this, mainly because I am addicted to baseball numbers). You can track the best and worst fifteen free agents in your league in just a couple of minutes. If you have more time, you can check out who's been hot over the past week. See who else in your league is freaking out and vulture someone who began the season in a slump. Not only is this smart, but it'll give you EXCELLENT shit-talking artilliary down the road if it works out.

Also, rookies that are carrying teams will fall off, veterans who are slumping will pick up, and all your draft prep will pan out. Hitters rarely go 0-40. 0-20's are not uncommon, but typically guys will make something happen after twenty fruitless AB's. Don't get caught benching a guy who hasn't done anything the past couple games (see Jacoby Ellsbury and David Ortiz today, 4/20), because your bench will routinely outperform your starters. It never works the other way.

Favorite thing in the league so far-

The Marlins with the lowest payroll own the best record in the majors. That means everyone on the team is worth looking at because they are young, virtually unknown, and likely available on your waiver wire. Also, Josh Johnson outpitched Johan Santana. Johan has already made Josh Johnson's whole salary this year. I just love this.

Now go visit some trees

Week 1 DOWN y'all

So after week 1, what have we learned?

-Ryan Spillborghs has what they call 'doubles power'. But, his K/BB ration is 6:1. Very unSpilly.
He's starting in most of my leagues again this week, but I think guys with 'doubles power' make more 'outs' than guys with 'home run power'. Still love him, though.

-Emilio Bonifacio-after reading that someone thinks he looks the roadrunner when he's on the bases, AND he now has the rare 2B/3B stamp of eligibility, it's time to ride this streak of his in all Roto/H2H leagues. This is old news.

-Denard Span is the man. Get him, keep him, and when Mauer's back on May 1st, watch his run totals pile up as high as that stupid trash bag they've got in right field in Minnesoty.

-Josh Johnson is good at pitching. Get him. Trade for him. Do something! I think the Marlins are going to surprise this year, possibly netting themselves some post-season action. I would like nothing better than to see a bunch of league-minimum guys, retreads, rehabbers, and guys who haven't lived up to their billing outperform the Mets and Phillies. Throw batteries at THAT, jerks.

-Jay Bruce is MAAD overrated. Everyone's got huge Bruce boners, but I just don't see it. He's young, sure. He came out of the gate mashing last year. Yes, I know. He's a middle-of-the-order monster to be. Just as soon as he stops swinging (as my dad would say) 'from his asshole' at pitches out of the zone. He ding-donged last night, but I'm not buying. I'm selling. If I could get Josh Johnson for Jay Bruce, I'd do it IMMEDIATELY. Even in a keeper league where I could have Jay Bruce for five years, or until he stopped having to whack it between AB's to keep his shit straight. Even then.

-Ryan Howard. Holy shit, if he's all 2006 Ryan Howard, where he's all 'oooh, I'm a .300 hitter who can go 50-150'. GET HIM. Howard's owners still have doubts so play on them..Hell, get guys that hit NEAR him...Raul Ibanez, Jayson Werth...because he's going to inflate their stats too. The Phils are going to be a blast to watch miss the playoffs, because before Brad Lidge and Ryan Madson, there are nine question marks.

Join me in glaring with folded arms at Cole Hamels.

Good for you's (GFY's):

Good for you, Jordan Schafer. Ding donging in your MLB debut at bat. GFY.

Good for you, Miguel Cabrera, people aren't scared that you'll be the youngest, highest paid, type 2 diabetic in Detroit. You worked out this winter. GFY.

Good for you, Manny. You've apparently found the strongest grass in LA. No small task. 7 games into your contract with your new team, and you're talking about Cleveland. Too bad you'll miss Lebron, because he'll be in New York. GFY.

Good for you, Mark Texiera. Your wrist hurts. That's what happens when you yank the ownership of every team in the AL East. Go Yanks. GFY.

Good for you, Chien-Ming Wang. Your ERA is still under 30. GFY.