The Infuriating

In case you weren't with us, the crack team here at FUN IS AWESOME first broke the story on Friday that the Balloon Boy, Falcon Heene, was the focal point of a conspiracy to draw the prayers of many millions of us the world over. And, of course, page views on Youtube. And possibly a reality show. (Furious typewriter sounds! Ding!) The Larimer County Sheriff's office claims it now has hard evidence that this was, in FACT, a hoax perpetrated by the young man's father. His name is Nutbag McRuinousDad. His name has been changed, albeit slightly, to protect hi-oh who cares. You know they're considering jail-time and protective custody for the kids? I think this family deserves the vitriol of the masses, sin duda, but things get very, very serious when you talk about removing a child from their home and parents.

But we won't be doing that here, so whatever. Apparently, the authorities will use a crane to crush a fly if that fly makes them look gullable and/or silly.

One time in college, my buddies and I duct-taped a passed-out friend to a chair, put him in the elevator, and pushed all the buttons. Dying laughing all the time. We stumbled down the seven flights of Washington Tower at UMass-Amherst, waiting for him to appear, slurring and laughing a few minutes later, but when his elevator reached the ground floor, it was empty. We were pretty shocked. But then we really got to thinking...I get it, Drunky McPassemOuts might have met up with different friends, or-holy crap-a girl, or group of girls. But where, pray tell, was the chair?

The next day we saw him, and eyes lowered, he offered nothing about his whereabouts or his savior. Months later, we'd find that these lovely girls from the 'milk and cookies' floor (number 22 if memory serves, which it probably doesn't) undid his binding and he just said thanks and hoofed 22 flights and another couple of miles or so to his dorm. We were soon reunited with our chair, and all was right with the world.

I tell this story not because I wish to speculate on consequences, but because it was funny. This is the only reason why you pull a prank. These people? These people are idiots.

Falcon idiots in Fort Collins

From Fort Collins:

This morning, The Heene family of Fort Collins was on the Today Show. Last night, Larry King. And the father seems to be getting more pissed off. I could tell because he said something like 'I'm getting pretty pissed off being asked if this was a hoax over and over...!'. While yesterday's stuntwork was pretty awesome, the writing fell way short. Local news reports that the Heene's have been fielding requests for interviews all over the world. And the cost? However much it costs to buy and stitch a bunch of 'It's a Girl' balloons together inside-out.

SO funny, the guy's all: 'after it rose to twenty feet, the electronics were supposed to kick in...'. ???? 'I was so afraid that the high-powered batteries in that compartment would electrocute my son!' Really. And the UN allowed this facility to operate unabated? None of us are safe.

Falcon, who had us all praying yesterday, was climbing all over cars, ladders, and whatnot for the cameras. VERY pleased with himself and remarkably fearless only minutes after allegedly hiding in the attic for FIVE FULL HOURS yesterday (which was a totally gorgeous day) because he was afraid his dad would yell at him. I can't believe that kid would sit silently for any amount of time, for any reason. But, originally, the story was that his dad DID yell at him, which caused him to go hide. I can just picture his dad now, yelling at him to 'KEEP THE STORY STRAIGHT!'

This morning, he puked on his dad (sadly, off camera) during his Today Show interview, drew gasps and guffaws from his siblings and cameramen. Do you think that maybe he's sick because his dad is making him lie all over the world? This guy WITHOUT QUESTION force-fed ME a bunch of crap for breakfast, and I feel a little sick too. They are shipping their kids all over the country, keeping them up all hours. They have already showed us that the integrity of their family comes second to the spotlight, and it seems they'll ride the wave of their recent stardom as far as possible, puking kids notwithstanding.

It's really quite smart. Papa Heene understands how to manipulate the minds of people. Hijacking the entire media was a good start, but he had all our hearts gushing for his kid. I do think he'll be the coolest kid at school though, when he gets home from Ellen and Bonnie Hunt. Go on youtube.com and search Heene. Overnight, they have become the buzziest buzz family ever. That is no accident.

And I'm writing about this because I think 9news' website's 4 million hits might have a few readers to spare. So, if this story pays me, am I a huge douchebag? I say no. There are better stories all day long in Fort Collins, but nothing that'll make you pull over and pray. But at least those stories are true.