Current sports headline commentary, Papi, Josh McDaniels

Oh my good god. The Bachelorette goes 'full retard' and I want to fully embrace David Ortiz in a tear-filled craze. OH PAPI!!! PAH-PEEEEE!!!!!!

The poor guy must be totally out of his mind. Yaz. Jim Ed. Papi. 2004 ALCS, best sports thing ever, Papi wins it all. 2006, he hits 54 bombs. What a blessing this guy has been. $80,000 diamonds in each ear. A mink coat. And most deserved, the pure love of literally millions of Sox fans from four generations. My Papi story-I was at Buff's Pub in West Newton in June 2005, with a few close friends. I had just gotten back from 9 days in Kau'ai, a most transformative trip, with this surreal amount of confidence. Papi's over there, and I give him the shaka (make a fist, extend your thumb and pinky, now shake it) with an abalone bracelet on. He looks at me flatly for a second, and without changing expressions, he turns away. Whatever Papi, I'd pay for your honey-hot wings (truly a masterpiece among wings) if you punched me in the face. For HUGE reals.

Now? 49 games in, he's got precisely 1 HR. I love the guy, seriously. But as I watch him swing, I feel sorry. Even late last year, I'd stand up during every one of his at-bat's. Honestly, the Sox made it to game 7 of the ALCS last year with him in the middle of the lineup. LAST YEAR.

Mike Lowell went through a season-long slump the year before he came to the Sox. 2007 with the Sox, he hits .324 and drives in 120 runs. World Series MVP, even! Only 2 years before, in his last year with the Marlins, Mike Lowell hit .236 with an On-base Percentage of .298. 50-something RBI. Currently, Papi has negligibly the same OBP as Lowell did in his crap year. I'm not advocating for Papi to stay in the middle of the lineup, but he could hang at 7 or 8. I might smell a 60 day stay on the DL. Christ, Dontrelle Willis was on the DL for Social Anxiety, and Joey Votto is on the DL for 'personal reasons'. I get it, people need time off and can spend 15 days off the roster because of it. Could Papi cite 'general malaise' as a reason to go on the 60-day DL? 'Yo mang, I got Big Papi malaise; you know...sungtin lie dat'. My prayers are with you, big dog, get right and swing de bat good lie before. IN THE MEANTIME, Manny Delcarmen is a fine price to pay for Nick Johnson. The Sox only have him for another year or two at the league minimum, they have a glut of young nasties in the bullpen, and you could double your production in the 3 hole. Let me get this straight, the JUNKees land Tex and you're going to answer with Jeff Bailey? That's a 'we deserve to lose' kind of move. JOS LIE BEFORE, MANGS.

In other sports news, The New-Denver Broco-Patriots are looking like fun times this year. I like Josh McDaniels. How could you not? This is three turds' worth in a happy Santa bag for all the bitchy Broncos fans out here that STILL cannot believe 'They traded Cutler!'. I heard some guy the other day say he asked his grandkids to get him a Bears' Cutler jersey for his birthday. GRANDKIDS. He's been a Donkeys (that's Broncos for you out of towners) fan forever, and JAY CUTLER's TRADE has ruined this man fandom? I am a Pats fan, thank you, and we have been educated by the master his-self, Bill Belichick. We have learned that you cannot allow your sentimentalities to get in the way of creating a winning team. How does this translate? I don't really know. I have my ideas, but I'm not eating this stuff every second of my life. You know who is? Josh McDaniels, the new head coach of your Denver Broncos, and the guy who traded DrewJay BledsoeCutler. But Bledsoe had TONS of class. Took out an entire page ad in the Boston Globe after he left town, thanking all us fans. Cutler? Barking into his hands all red-faced and stompy into Chicago. All not returning phone calls and being a big baby (not to be confused with Glenn Big Baby Davis, who I wish to have lobster with one day. I just picture him laughing his ass off with a mouthful of lobster, face all buttery with a two-by-two foot bib on...LOVE that guy!)

Cutler thinks it's 1987 and he's the second coming. He plays low-percentage, albeit exciting, football. Half his passes go for more than 20 yards in the air, which, of course, all but guarantees he throws into double-coverage, and yes, more interceptions than necessary. Then, all puffy-chested, he barks into his hands on the way off the field, blaming everyone else for his dog shit performance. Then everyone blames the defense. Which, admittedly, was pretty horrendous, especially against the run. But you know what? You keep the defense off the field if you throw shorter passes, maybe look at your tight end, run a few screens...you know, Jay, HIGH PERCENTAGE plays that not only move the chains, but it limits your team's obvious weakness on D. But NO, Bignuts has to throw it DEEP. It's like backyard football all over the country...how many times have I yelled 'GOIN DEEP!' playing backyard football? Ten thousand times. Even when I'm not throwing the ball, or playing. Jay Cutler probably still stands like McGwire when he plays wiffleball. Douchebag. Please piss Urlacher off in practice...please...

Here's the thing about Josh McDaniels. He not only served as Tom Brady (and Matt Cassel for that matter)'s quarterback coach, and later the Offensive Coordinator for the most productive offense in NFL history (never hurts to have Brady-Moss-Welker on your team), but he started in New England YEARS ago, shadowing BB, and doing everything he could to learn football. He did so in one of the most successful organizations (nod to Pittsburgh, tho...for sure) in modern sports. He learned that you must protect the football in order to win. My guess is you'll see half as many turnovers from the Donkeys this year. Kyle Orton will throw accurate passes to his tight end, they'll run screens with Moreno, the best running back in this year's draft. OOH! Let me comment on this-

OVERWHELMING ANGST in BRONCO COUNTRY at the drafting of Knowshon Moreno. 'We need defensive help! WHAAA!'. True, though they did sign Brian Dawkins who will provide some much-needed leadership on D. However, the best way, as I've said, to boost your defense is to keep them off the field, and the best way to do THAT is to have a nasty-nasty running the ball for you. The Broncos O-Line was SO great in every way last year. You put someone behind it who isn't just picturing their own boner in every huddle, and you win the AFC Central EASILY. Patriots defenses were always tough, on all fronts, but they rarely showed the individual statistics one might expect from a dominant force. Why? Because they weren't on the field very much. When they were, they were rested. I love the Moreno pick, I think trading Cutler was absolutely necessary to reel in the turnovers and give the Defense a shot, and my prediction is that you'll see Brandon Marshall out of town by next off season. Why? He's the last douchebag on the shelf.

End all-McDaniels learned in an environment that ONLY won. So he doesn't know any different. He's made unpopular moves, but the Broncos will surprise. Who else will surprise? Big Papi, who, though he is just so sad up there right now, will come back to have a reasonable second half. You don't just fall off like this. Something's wrong, and he'll figure it out. From the 8 hole, or the bench, he'll figure it out.

Apparently I will NOT figure out my fantasy teams, who are a collective disappointment. I'll write more when I have something to say on that. My first retraction-Zack Greinke is SO FOR REAL. In keeper leagues, I deal for Josh Hamilton right this second. Now do TEN PUSH UPS!!